The Fun and Fears of Becoming 'Dad'

Sperm count comes under intense scrutiny.

Flunking Lamaze Class.

Naming the baby after the wrong relative,(How were you supposed to know Uncle Max did time in Leavenworth?).

Ohmigod, how do you raise a girl?

No sex for how long?

Learning firsthand what 'Full Diaper' means.

Forgetting to buy a Mother's Day card.

Projectile vomiting.

Buying food with the word 'strained' on the label.

Counting hours of sleep on one hand.

No sex for how long?

Having to share wife's attention with someone who doesn't even know who Ken Griffey Jr. is.

Lots and lots of germs.

Needing to learn how to change a stroller tire.

Unsolicited advice, visits, calls, faxes, and E-mail from four grandparents.

Being forced to skip regular Sunday basketball games for baby gym.

Having to brownnose the boss in order to afford more Beanie Babies.

Hearing yourself say 'Are you kids going to behave or am I going to have to pull this car over?'

Only talking about children.

Only wanting to talk about children.

Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. - Poster

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' -Rita Rudner

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say, 'Yeah? When?' -Bill Hicks

The Perfect Man
After careful consideration and endless debate the perfect man has finally been named:
MR. POTATO HEAD!
He's tan! He's cute! He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face
~~~~~~~~~~

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

~~~~~~~~~~

How to Impress a Woman

Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her,
Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her,
Smile at her, Laugh with her,
Cry with her, Cuddle with her,
Shop with her, Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers, Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back for her.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then, bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER! This chain brings luck. One woman's pit bull died, and the next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried Jewish woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a gynecologist. You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back.

~~~~~~~~~~

Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife. "Let's swap positions tonight."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

There's very little advice in men's magazines because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Why God Created Eve
1. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

2. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

3. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

4. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

5. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

6. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

7. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

Advice to men: The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

Did you guys ever wonder if things wouldn't have been a lot better for us all if God would have used a funny bone instead of a rib?

Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with everything you say. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history...
losing your hair, wearing a pony tail does not make up for it."

Behind every successful woman...is a basket of dirty laundry. -- Sally Forth

Grimbundies
Greeting cards made for Generation Ex
Because nothing lasts forever.

Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

Mental Anxiety
Menopause
Mental Breakdown
Ever noticed that all problems start with men?
Submitted by Pouderpuf

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -- Robin Williams

Definition of a bachelor:
A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men.
Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Best way to get a man to do something:
Suggest they are too old for it.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

Bumper Stickers
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Grow your own dope -- Plant a man!
All men are animals. Some just make better pets.
All men are idiots....I married their king.

Women are Smarter Than Men
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men, and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a very touching speech about how she would give up her life to save the others because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

And all of the men started clapping....