Other Jokes
10 Parenting Laws
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will
wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the
bathroom.
10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...sometimes.
Teach them
We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling
them to sit down and shut up!
Parenthood advices
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing
gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After
9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the
local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell
the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have
your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper
and read it for the last time.
2.Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already
parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience,
appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to
run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the
last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3.To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 PM to 10
PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down,
set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the
living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As you
can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM.
Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4
AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful. 4.Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then
rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5.Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and
a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of
the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.
6.Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into
an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil,
turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball,
and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7.Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in
the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate
ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter.
Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies.
Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There! Perfect!
8.Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front
door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front
path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for
5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing
gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that
you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at
you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking
a small child for a walk.
9.Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10.Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without
letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.
Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11.Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling
and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt
to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue
until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure
that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old
baby.
12.Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street
and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you,
you love me," at work, now! you finally qualify as a parent.
Bashing
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne
~~~~~~~~~~
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They
don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the General
has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over
there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Elayne Boosler
~~~~~~~~~~
Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Honest Wife
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem,
officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty
look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The
man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat
belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk
to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
~~~~~~~~~~
Two new additions to periodic table of elements:
Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze
at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity
with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed
next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends
to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element:
Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to
smell.
~~~~~~~~~~
Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• Dogs don't cry.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs love red meat.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
• Dogs like beer.
• Dogs don't hate their bodies.
• No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
• No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
• Dogs never criticize.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs never expect gifts.
• It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet,
desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
• Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster
one.
• You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
• Dogs never want foot-rubs.
• Dogs can't talk.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
~~~~~~~~~~
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
~~~~~~~~~~
Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
~~~~~~~~~~
Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.
~~~~~~~~~~
General Equations & Statistics
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
~~~~~~~~~~
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
~~~~~~~~~~
Longevity
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing
to die.
~~~~~~~~~~
Memory
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering
the same thing.
~~~~~~~~~~
Propensity To Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
~~~~~~~~~~
Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is
the beginning of a new argument.
~~~~~~~~~~
Comprehension
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage
and after marriage.
~~~~~~~~~~
Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN.
~~~~~~~~~~
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially
during evening hours, the Sydney city council in Australia has established
a "Women Only" parking lot near downtown. Even the parking lot
attendants are exclusively female, so that a comfortable and safe environment
is created for patrons. The same concept is being considered by the Toronto
Parking authority. Below is a picture of this amazing new concept parking
lot for women only.
~~~~~~~~~~
An article stated that the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,
smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced
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